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Sunday, September 19th, 2004

Subject:BAM! Random Ash
Time:12:22 am.
I haven't updated in a realllyyyy long time.

My picture is hilariously out of date.

I have nothing to say.

Except that my dream man is Gordo from the Lizzie Maguire show.
Comments: Read 6 orAdd Your Own.

Saturday, February 21st, 2004

Subject:Mirrorless Monday
Time:2:39 pm.
Apparently, next week is "Eating Disorder Awareness Week" at OSU. I received a flyer on the week's "body-confidence" actvities. Incredibly lame and ironic.

Monday= Mirrorless Monday! They're going to cover up mirros on campus with butcher paper and statistics about body image. Uhm...what?

The first obvious objection: shouldn't we learn to like (or at least accept) what we see in the mirror, rather than hiding from our image???

Second: If I have to hear one more time that the average woman is a size 12, or that Marilyn Monroe was a size 10 (--which btw would be about a size 6 in today's sizes), I'm going to flip. People with disorderd eating are not striving for average; they're striving for perfection.

Other activiies this week include "the great jeans give away"-- "you know, the jeans that are too small that you have hiding in your closet that do nothing but make you feel bad about yourself?"

1) don't underestimate the power of inspiration jeans! and
2) If women's bodies are worthy of self acceptance, why aren't they worthy of adoration in the mirror!?!!

I more or less agree with what this organization is trying to do with these events, but honestly, mirrorless Monday?
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Wednesday, January 7th, 2004

Time:6:45 pm.
Haha last week I was worried about when the roads would be clear so I could get to corvallis in time for classes but it doesnt matter after all because I've only been to one class so far. Monday=icy snow, so I skipped my late afternoon/evening classes because I did not feel like shuffling home in the dark and the ice. Tues= school cancelled but gym open. Talk about cool. Wed= lost power from about 8 am till ...almost 5 pm. (and school cancelled again!) Yay. I'm so thankful it wasn't during the night when it would have been much colder. Haha power was fluctuating during the night though. Everytime the power comes back on, my answering machine resets itself with a loud mechanical voice declaring "READY!" followed by a countdown and a beep. I heard "READY" more than once hahaha. Luckily Fred Meyer's and Starbucks was open.
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Thursday, January 1st, 2004

Subject:More snow!
Time:8:37 am.
I guess I won't be running all those errands before I dont go back to Corvallis and don't pay bills or get ready for school.
Comments: Add Your Own.

Wednesday, December 31st, 2003

Time:7:40 pm.
I dont know when I started feeling this way, but I have the intrinsic impression that I'm losing time. I am not content with just being 20 and being where I am. I regret that I hadn't taken some initiative and graduated from high school at least by 15, which would have been oh-so-easy an accomplishment. In high school I found Eric (amazing in itself!) and became close to several wonderful teachers I now call friends. But socially and academically, high school was largely a waste. The more I distanced myself from my peers, the better a person I believe I became. Now I'm 20 and I wonderfully still have true love, but as far as my career goes, I have this fire under me that tells me I'm not "there" yet--to the place where I'd be content I guess? I'm not sure. I feel like a runner who got a bad start and is now flying to catch up. But it seems like the pack is ever 5 years ahead of me. In some ways maybe I'm just racing towards my death. haha Everyone tells me not to rush life. I feel like I'm supposed to though...maybe I'll never catch up.

This is melodramatic Ashlee signing off! haha
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Time:1:53 pm.
Hmm it seems like my range of weight has fallen by a couple pounds. What if I've lost muscle from slacking these past 2 1/2 weeks? can i really have lost that much muscle??? ack. I need to get back to Dixon (just in time for the stupid January rush) Damn Bally's for not selling me a cheap 1 month membership like the old workers used to sell me.
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Tuesday, December 30th, 2003

Time:9:48 am.
I hate snow.
Comments: Read 5 orAdd Your Own.

Friday, December 26th, 2003

Time:4:07 pm.
Saw Return of the King; it was amazing, even though as everyone said, it seemingly had multiple endings. I currently have a cough, which really pisses me off because I went ALL term without even a hint of a sniffle. I had to save my coughs for the loud parts of the movie, and I had snagged an aisle seat, so I just leaned over and hacked everytime a battle ensued. But then there were those long quiet stretches towards the end--a true struggle! I went through an entire box of cough drops.

Random Note: Has anyone seen those lj communities for beautiful people where you have to apply with pictures and surveys and then everyone votes if you're beautiful enough to be one of them? Assimilation: it's a good thing.
Comments: Read 1 orAdd Your Own.

Tuesday, December 23rd, 2003

Time:8:19 pm.
Dude i feel lame for not realizing my post had gotten through (thanks Garrett)...my comp gave me an error page so i assumed not....damn and I lied about being witty too haha

Memo: Watching Minority Report for the 3rd time facilitates the observation of multiple plot holes. I suppose I should've noticed before, but I'm so easily entranced by man vs futuristic world stories.
Comments: Read 1 orAdd Your Own.

Friday, December 19th, 2003

Time:11:28 pm.
The land of apathy is so peaceful. This had to be the least-stressed term ever. Here's to prioritizing sleep before grades. My grades were fairly good however; I only achieved a B in Advanced Calc--but I took less than half the prereqs for that class. So yay. I really do like math a lot. Here's to staying a 5th year for a double major (as long as I don't burn out).

Other than that, I've been trying to take life one day at a time--which can be seemingly impossible under certain circumstances I can't explain. But life IS good...I just have to keep my egocentricism from taking its melodramatic hold of me; the part of me that swells with self-importance upon facing hardship, convinced each peronsal plight is an injustice to all humankind. lol

So yah..
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Thursday, October 9th, 2003

Time:8:42 pm.
Ugh. I need an outlet for my immature side. Sometimes I cannot control my giggly, silly self. Maybe I shouldn't have caffeine anymore...I need a downer, not a stimulant. :sigh:
Comments: Read 2 orAdd Your Own.

Friday, October 3rd, 2003

Time:7:39 pm.
So I'm plunging into the world of advanced calculus this term. A class which everyone, professors included, tells me is really hard. A class which I have not taken all the prerequisites for. I freaked out at first, but I don't actually think it's going to be that bad. At the end of the first week, I seem to have a sufficient handle on things, which is more than some of my classmates can say. How could it possibly be as hard as everyone says? Even if it is, I didn't come to college for an easy ride, and I'm sure as hell not going to grad school for an easy ride. I don't know if I truly want to get my PhD in Economics, but that's the path I'm on right now. I seem to be a Jack of All Trades kinda girl--which is not a good thing when trying to decide what I want to do with the rest of my life. My math professor is incredibly passionate about math; Eric seems to be a perfect fit for the engineering field...and on and on. I envy them. I know most people don't figure out for a long time what they want to be, and/or continually reinvent themselves/careers, but i have to apply to grad school next year and that's a 5-7 year committment. Must keep with workout schedule...to reduce stress...must cut down on 3/day caffeinated beverage routine.
Comments: Read 1 orAdd Your Own.

Monday, September 15th, 2003

Subject:New Kitty!
Time:9:01 pm.
I couldn't STAND not having a kitty! So I got a ragdoll kitten (not from the shelter!) He's sooo cute (and he better be, for what I paid! haha) 9 wk old male.
Comments: Read 1 orAdd Your Own.

Wednesday, August 6th, 2003

Subject:Grad School
Time:11:24 pm.
Deliberating about the future is fun, but stressful. I like to daydream about the things I want to achieve and research programs to scope out the possiblities, but the thought of moving to another part of the country for 5-7 years is overwhelming. It's gonna be hard enough establishing complete financial independence from my parents when I graduate, let alone figuring out a new city full of strangers and seeing if I can handle the rigors of a PhD program. ACK! So I'm thinking, maybe not a PhD program right away. Maybe a master's program first. I just can't commmit 5-7 years of my life like that. A master's would be 2 years. That seems more reasonable. The program at U of W sounds really interesting. Plus, do I really want a PhD? My darling friend Birte said it seems like a waste to not do it if you know you can. And it's quite flattering that my really smart professor has confidence in my abilities. But I'll just have to see. Except I can't. I have to study for the GRE's and maybe the LSATs...yah i keep playing around with the idea of law school too.

What's funny is I was thinking about all of this while I was skipping class. Ahahha why does worrying about the future always come at the cost of the present?
Comments: Add Your Own.

Time:1:11 am.
Yah so I'm currently OBSESSED with getting a cat. It's quite pathetic. It's not practical. And I shouldn't. But it would help me deal with stress. And they're so cute.

I'm so tired of my community college summer classes. I walked out of class today, 3 hours early. I have no patience; everyone was asking question after question which meant the lecture was going slower, which meant our usual break was nowhere near. I was practically hitting my head on the desk, I was so ticked off. So I decided, huh, I'll just leave, which made kind of a commotion seeing as how i sit in the front row. Hopefully it wasn't too obvious to my teacher, the grader of my just-turned-in term paper, that my urgency was motivated by sheer boredom. Oh well, i had a gloriously lazy afternoon.

I miss Eric. This is the first time we've been living in different towns. Not that it's a far drive, but we're both in classes so neither of us have tons of free time. Autumn, hurry up!
Comments: Add Your Own.

Friday, July 18th, 2003

Subject:Woman Masturbates to Concept of Commitment
Time:11:19 pm.
I love the Onion. ahahhahaah

Yah...I never update anymore. I love you Stacy!!! I loved spending the night at your place.

I need a new pic. I don't look like that anymore. I have biceps now. GRRRR.

Other news: I'm going to be vegan. I'm in the transition process right now. Vegetarian is no problem, but dairy is everywhere. my one vice: spinach veggie nuggets (they contain egg whites) argh. they are just too good. Other than that, changing over hasn't been hard. It's been gratifying actually.

I'm gonna have an awesome apartment in the fall. And I *might* even get a cat!
Comments: Read 2 orAdd Your Own.

Tuesday, May 6th, 2003

Subject:Dreams, Fools, Etc.
Time:9:46 pm.
1) Freaky Dream: In my dream, I was a man. In prison. In solitary confinement. I had a daughter that I was trying to contact on the outside, but she was rejecting me. My wide? ex-wife? lover on the outside was going to try and break me out of prison. The prison warden was really mean. He kept calling me a "fagasexual." And then the prison warden raped me. WTF?

2) Other Weird Dream Experience: Took a math test. Really wondering what I got on it: had no idea. Dreamt twice that I got an 88% on it. Got the test back 2 days later: 88%.

Other news:

1) I am going to redefine myself!!! (Or at least redefine my eyes with some new mascara.) But seriously...that's my plan. Details forthcoming.

2) Why do all the graduate economic programs I find interesting have an acceptance rate of 2%?

3) I think it's flippin hilarious how people judge other people. (Not that I am above that. I judge others based on their appearance too of course. It's impossible not to, to some degree.) But I can tell when I'm being judged. I can tell when they're thinking "dumb blonde." My first impressions generally provoke that thought. It's a little depressing when people have to be surprised when I say something smart. Then again, I prefer it this way. The dumb blonde is an easy role to play, and by playing it, no one will suspect what is really going on inside my head (rather, that there is anything going on inside my head), which means I gain the upper hand. I can fool the fool who thought me a fool. Mwhahahah There's for an intelligent stream of sentences lol.
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Saturday, April 19th, 2003

Time:10:57 pm.
My friend Luke called me a "budding transsexual." that's not perfectly accurate, but close. I just feel genderless, a genderless soul trapped in a body that causes me endless torment and despair.

I hope that one day I will not feel like this; that I could one day share in the same sentiments of other women who say that they enjoy being a woman. That is a foregin concept to me. Maybe if I could just one day feel like I WAS a woman. One day...one day when I get my uterus removed. mwhahah if only that were a viable option.
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Saturday, March 29th, 2003

Time:5:08 pm.
Eric drove an extra hour and 45 minutes out of his way just to spend an hour with me. :)
Comments: Read 1 orAdd Your Own.

Friday, March 28th, 2003

Subject:part 2
Time:10:28 pm.
Hey, Garrett, no apologies necessary: I enjoyed your thoughts, and everyone else's to my last post. Hehe I knew as I typed it that I was making too many generalized statements to retain accuracy. :) I've had an on-going struggle with low self-esteem, and it's been compounded by the way people have treated me and my best friend throughout my life simply because we are women. Plus, if ya go around looking for reasons to feel invalidated, you don't have to look very far, because society can be cruel (to everyone). I know my personal struggles aren't that unique, and my pain is only relative to other people's pain. Still, I seem to blame things that are out of control on being female. I get frustrated. I learned when I was like oh..5 years old that life isn't fair, but it just seems like the magnitude of that statement grows with time, and it's sad.

Which brings me to my biggest problem: focusing on sad stuff. I have so many positive things in my life, and I really don't want to take them for granted. I know I am lucky for a lot of things, and in some departments, I couldn't ask for more. Eric and I really love each other, for one. I know he loves me for who I am and he sticks by me through fun and hard times. I'd do anything for him. I have a bunch of other things to be happy about too, but making a list is tedious. I'll just think about it to myself. And I should do that every day until I'm no longer depressed about all the bad stuff.
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LiveJournal for Ashlee.

View:User Info.
You're looking at the latest 20 entries. Missed some entries? Then simply jump back 20 entries.